The Memory Will Never Die
by whitelilly0989
Summary: When you close your eyes, there are memories that seem they happened a second ago. Everything's still fresh in your mind and soul. But when you open your eyes, you realize it feels like someone else's memory. A Ryan and Taylor Story.
1. Yesterday Is So Far Behind You

**Author's Note: _Hello! So this is a story that came up to me while listening the song "The Memory Will Never Die" by Default. I was trying to take a little break from "This Broken Road" and "Show Me What True Love Is" and this kind of... happened. So hopefully you'll like it. It should have at least three or four chapters I guess. You know how this works... read and review!!!_**

**_xoxoxox_**

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**_"The Memory Will Never Die"_**

**_Chapter One._**

**Yesterday Is So Far Behind You**

_There are few times in every life __when you actually feel calmed with everything surrounding you. When the intense feeling of looking for something that we all tend to have, all of the sudden, stops; and out of nowhere you're just left with this strange sense of peace. When even feeling your breathing pattern mix in complete harmony with someone else's gives you the strange feeling that it is fate and nothing more… that your breath, and even the beats of your heart were made to clash together with that other someone and you feel like you're… complete. _

_It's that tingling feeling at the top of your stomach… something that you're never quite used to. At first, the sensation seems so weird… almost wrong in every aspect because it's so unfamiliar. You're so used to everything falling apart, that you expect the pain to always be there; and it feels like a sin to feel something else… to be at peace… to find completion in someone else, in someone that gives you everything you'd wished for just by the simple act of being wrapped within your arms. _

_There are few times for all of us where you feel like all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle are right there at your reach… that there's nothing more to run from; and where you can't even remember the times or the reasons why you tried to run away._

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_Both Taylor and Ryan were convinced that the moon had never shined like this. That the stars had never been brighter, and that the sound of the waves hitting the shore just a few feet away had never been more soothing. Both of them held on to each other, a smile plastered on each set of lips while they contemplated the darkness as the perfect silence just filled the air. _

_Taylor took a deep breath in, feeling the scent of the salty water mixed with Ryan's cologne fill her lungs. Ryan suddenly gripped, just ever so slightly tighter, the slender frame of the woman he loved sitting between his legs, back facing him while the auburn locks of her hair, moved by the soft wind blowing around the beach, caressed his face in a way that he'd only experienced around her. _

_She suddenly gave a little moan of comfort, trying to nuzzle her head in his chest, and he was amazed for the millionth time of the way it fitted perfectly; her tiny figure sitting in the sand, all sheltered in his broad and masculine body; protecting her but at the same time securing him in the cold night. _

_She sighed and closed her eyes while his head came to rest on her shoulder, and instinctively, without thinking it or planning it, her tiny hand just rose and touched his face, and he couldn't hold the impulse of just pressing his cheek against her cold hands, making all the hairs on the back of his neck stand up while a rush of adrenaline just ran through his body, not in an unsettling way… but in a controlled way that just gave him peace… much like he was complete, like he could die right there without regrets because in his life he'd been loved by her. _

_She was this bubbly persona. She was eccentric and crazy__, all wrapped up in a girl with a tough demeanor that never quitted when she wanted something. She was flawed and far from perfect but she was his… he knew right there and then that, no matter wherever she went or how much time that would pass, she'd always have this moment, and she'd always remember it as the time where she'd given him her heart inside of a vault and had thrown away the key. As he held on to her and placed a soft kiss on her neck, he knew she would never belong to anyone else… _

_And he knew all those things because he'd given her his heart and had thrown away the key a long time before this day._

_He knew because he was hers._

_All of a sudden this feeling of reality mixed with undying love washed over him much like it had a long time before and, as the sound of another wave crashing onto the shore echoed in the distance, he leaned in to her ear and said:_

"This feels right… doesn't it?"_ and he witnessed how she closed her eyes and smiled, slightly taken aback by the fact that he'd broken the silence, especially as he wasn't much of a talker._

_She ran both her hands up his arms and turned her head a little to the side to see him, all this time without removing her head from his chest. She'd always known that, even though he was more open about his feelings now, he still wasn't the one to get all philosophical and romantic because normally his silences said more "I love you's" in a thousand different ways, but… with those five little words he'd said and the sight of his face, she knew this was different… she knew this was always gonna be different. _

"It feels perfect…"_ she said never taking her gaze from his eyes as the moonlight just vaguely lit his features and made him look ten times more handsome. _

_Suddenly, he was the one who sighed and raised his head to watch the moon, furrowing his brows a little just like he did when he was nervous, just like he did when he was scared. She immediately went into a state of alert because they'd been calmed and quiet for the past twenty minutes, savoring each other's company but she'd known that in reality both of their minds had been drifting and wandering for moments because this was supposed to be their last night in Newport._

_The minute the sun would rise they were gonna meet different lives, different paths, different dreams, and ultimately… they both were gonna live in different countries. She was supposed to go back to France; he was supposed to move to Berkeley… They'd lived without each other for six months, trying desperately to forget one another, but in the end it'd been impossible. And now… here they were again; hours away from saying goodbye on a train the next day. _

_She knew him. She knew what he was thinking… she knew he was trying to find a way of saying how much he cared about her now that they were together perhaps for the last time in what could be months... or years. _

_She knew he was scared. She was scared too. But sitting there in the warm sand, their bodies still intertwined, his jacket over her shoulders to prevent her from being cold and his upper body pressed against her back tightly, at least she wasn't going crazy with being her neurotic self because he seemed at ease. He seemed to be ok… and as long as he was ok she was ok too; perhaps for the first time in a matter like this one. _

_But now that she had a sight of his face looking distantly at the moon, she began to worry because there was something he felt like saying… there was something about to happen… and it gave her chills and it made her a little crazy…_

_If he was worried, she was worried too._

"What's wrong?"_ she asked, sitting a little straighter, her eyes widening a little in anticipation of his answer while she gripped his hand tightly._

_He sighed again a little more calmly when he saw her face in the dim light of the moon, making her look like the innocent angel he knew she was not. He smiled at her and shook his head, while he stroked his thumb on the frame of her face… and said the words he'd said six months ago, before they went their separate ways… _

"I just… don't wanna lose you"_ escaped his lips almost as a whisper… with a vulnerability she'd never once heard on his voice._

_She could've sworn her heart skipped a beat when he said those words and the feeling of his thumb on the side of her face made her forget how to breathe. She wasn't one for cheesy lines or gestures, and Ryan wasn't either… but without thinking about it she just took his hand and guided it to her chest. It was what the situation called for; because just like he wanted to tell her she would always mean something and everything for him… she wanted to let him know that they would always have this moment… this. _

_He was almost taken by surprise at the way she gently placed his hand on her chest… and the thrill of feeling her heart beating under his touch was one he'd never experienced before. He'd heard her breathe before; he'd felt her pulse while kissing her neck, but never like this… not this calmly or romantically… and with every breath he'd let go of, her heart would just beat harder,yet evenly with the waves still washing the shore in front of them. _

"You'll never lose me…"_ she said, never once taking her eyes from his blue ones. _"Because you'll always be in here…"

_She squeezed both her hands on top of his hand in her chest and she nuzzled her head back to his… almost leaving him without oxygen from the tenderness of it all. He was so surprised because, she hadn't even said I love you, and on the contrary of__ how she'd used to be six months ago… she hadn't even asked for him to say it. She wasn't even asking how things would end up now, if they were suddenly back together or what… she was just letting him be. And once again, he couldn't help but feel he was lucky, she knew him left and right…_

_And as the night before, life went on and on, and as things began to change, kept on passing hour after hour, he rested his head back onto her shoulder like it all had started…_

_And he never moved his hand from her chest, feeling it beat rhythmically with his own, doing his best to catch up until they both could've sworn it became just one sound. _

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Looking at the sunset, on the horizon where the yellow touched the blue, she felt like she was living an out-of-body experience. The same waves echoed in the distance, the same sand warmed her feet, probably the same wind that came from wherever it wanted was the one moving her hair. It was the same place, the same place where in a way it all had started…

The same Newport Beach, the same view, the same Taylor… only it felt like a different lifetime ago.

She crossed her hands in front of her chest as she took in her surroundings. Sometimes it amazed her how life in Newport was always the same. Aside from the country club painted some other color, everything was in the same shape she'd left it four years ago.

Four years ago. She hadn't set foot on American soil for four years.

In ways it felt like yesterday. She was convinced that, if she looked closely, she could see the both of them there, still sitting in the sand, their dreams and their innocent 19-year-old point of views glistening brightly with the vague moonlight, everything they'd wanted right there at their reach if even slightly blinded by the unknown far in the distance…

"_I just__… don't wanna lose you…"_ still echoed in her heart and she could feel it turning cold as an iceberg as the blood coursed through her veins…

It felt like someone else's memory now… even if it was still imprinted in her heart, mind and soul…

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As the final box containing all of his belongings was carefully but securely closed, Ryan stood up straight and beheld the room where he'd lived for four years. Everything packed up, most of the furniture already missing… him being one of the few guys on campus getting everything out to leave the place that had granted him a brighter future as an architect. UC Berkeley.

There were few times in his life when he felt proud of himself, where he actually believed there was something he was good at. He never quite said it out loud, but he'd always been an insecure guy due to the fact that before his sixteenth birthday, he was led to believe he was just in everyone else's way; a mistake even. But just like back then after the Cohen's took him in, he knew now that this was his place in the world. This was something he'd earned all on his own.

He was graduating. The next morning... he was gonna be walking in a cap and gown to get the proof of his hard work. He'd never expected to come this far in his life. When he was a kid he'd hardly had dreams, let alone ever thought of seeing them fulfilled, but now he seemed to be getting everything he'd hoped for… everything he'd ever dared to wish…

And that's when he blinked…

Time stopped, he forgot how to breathe and his heart started pumping blood as if his hand was still on _her_ chest. Everything went silent and suddenly the beating of _her_ heart was all he could hear, just like that night. He could see the locks of her hair moving with the wind, he could hear the ocean in front of them and he could also feel the same tingle run up his spine as if it had happened a second ago.

He could hear her laugh; he could see her smile and her hazel eyes wrap him in the same mist he'd tried to escape for practically half a decade. She was there… on that Newport Beach, not a day had gone by her and he could almost feel himself touching her… when her figure always faded away.

That's why he hated closing his eyes now.

Suddenly all the happiness and the pride wore off and he was left with this giant void he was never sure of how to fill. Sometimes he even wondered if something would ever be big enough to make him complete again, and every time that same question roamed his mind, her voice came from the most hidden place in his soul and said tenderly: _"You'll never lose me…"_

Maybe that was what she'd meant that night. Maybe he was doomed to carry her around, every single one of his milestones in life tainted by the fact that he didn't have her now; feeling trapped in a cage where he couldn't deny what lived inside him, that every beat of his heart still said her name… that many moons had shined like that night, but still none of them did it like when she was there, wrapped in his arms.

And still, even when the smile had faded from his face and he was suddenly aware of the loneliness in the room that just a second ago he'd breathed calmly in, he closed his eyes once more to see her…

And even if it hurt a little, the smile was back on his face.

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The corner of her lips became a little curvy as she did her best to try to not smile. But she failed miserably. How could you be able to fight back a smile when the memory of his big blue eyes and that perfect shining smile was ingrained inside your eyelids and would never stop haunting you? Because he haunted her, in a nostalgic and almost painful way.

Out of nowhere she was struck with the memory of how he'd "stalked her" to Kirsten's Birthday party four years ago… how they'd both gone there in different cars and how he would drive the Rover a few cars behind hers so it would make it seem more "realistic", and even how after the party was over, how he'd "sexually harassed" her in the most delightful of ways.

She had to snort at the irony and she even laughed a little because of it. She even checked the rearview mirror to see if by any chance or move of fate, a black Range Rover was following her SUV just like that night; because she could've sworn he was still stalking her. Like physically stalking her.

During the past three months, all those memories of him; his scent, his touch, his smile, his face, his voice, that last night in Newport before it all changed, had been flooding her mind and her heart, almost craving and screaming for her to do something…

For the past two years she'd just let things be, she'd ran off. During her life she'd always liked to think she was a go-getter, and in more than one way she was. Except when it came to her own life. She was a turtle. The second things in the real world got scary, she would stick her head back in her shell and never get out, although if she was going to think of animal metaphors to reason her behavior, probably something like a gazelle would fit better, because not only she would crawl in her shell, but she would run in it as much as she possibly could. Every time her mother would yell at her, she would always hide in her bitchy attitude to avoid getting hurt. Every time she married a French dude who gave her a subway ticket, she would run to Summer.

Every time things were in a weird place with Ryan… she would stay in France.

As she held on to the steering wheel and kept on driving, she was overwhelmed with this sudden feeling of wanting to go back. This time, not to France, or to Newport specifically. She wanted to go back to that time, where she didn't want to run away anymore; where she was at that place in her life where she got all she wanted… at least what mattered anyway.

She'd always believed in true love, and in her "life before Ryan", as she herself like to put it, she always knew when she was in a relationship that never had a chance of becoming the profound sentiment that true love was intended to be. Not that she knew a lot about true love anyway, but she imagined that it had to be something unexpected, something that could fill you up and at the same time leave you wanting for more. Something that didn't need to be forced or chased too much for it to stick… something meant to be… like what she had with _him_.

But as the night came closing in and she was stopped by a red light, she realized that her "life after Ryan", it all seemed a lot more blurry. For some reason nothing was so cut and dry anymore and it was hard to believe in "meant-to-be" when yesterday was so buried by the cruelness of time.

While she ran a hand over her face with the vain hopes of cleaning everything away, for a split second she wondered what she was doing here in the first place. If believing in fate and destiny and true love seemed somewhat like a joke because of how much time had passed since her 18-year-old naiveness, then what had she been looking for anyway?

Her eyes landed on her watch and she realized she'd been driving for more than six hours, it was gonna be midnight soon and somewhere in the back of her head she remembered she had something really important to do the next morning, but she was too lost in her musings to pay attention to it right now.

But as she turned her head to the left and saw a sign that read "Welcome to Berkeley", her smile turned hopeful as the illusion of the brooding bad boy, walking in his cap and gown in the morning flooded her reasoning, and the song on the radio pretty much answered the question that her agnostic mind couldn't bring itself to say. She was there, back in California because _"Deep inside your soul knows I'm always there"_

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_Second Author's Note: I have no idea if there's a sign that says "Welcome to Berkeley" And I'm not so sure about the time of a car ride from Newport to Berkeley either... but anyways, you work with me! Hit the button!!! I'll love you for it._


	2. Deep Inside Your Soul I'm Always There

**Author's Note: **_Hey guys! It's me again. I wanted to thank everyone for the kind reviews they left on the previous chapter. I want you all to know, that just because I updated this fic, I'm not forgetting my other two RT's in the making. Hopefully, you'll find this story a little less angsty than "This Broken Road" which is the relief I'm trying to look for writing this. I love my angst, don't get me wrong... but this was what wanted to be written so here it is. Hope you all welcome it as well as the other two stories. (Those should be updated within this week and the next...)_

_Oh! And CiCi... puts hand in her chest and sighs dramatically how dare you question my love for the beauty that is Townwood?! LOL... scroll down my dear... this one's for you. _

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**_"The Memory Will Never Die"_**

**_Chapter Two_**

**Deep Inside Your Soul****… ****I'm Always There**

_He coul__dn't believe what he was seeing. He felt a rush of nervous coldness run through his veins that made him swallow hard, as his eyes did their best to catch a glimpse of hers. He hated when things like this happened, because he never knew if leaving his girlfriend without words was ever a good thing._

_Usually when she started rambling obsessively, at the edge of annoyance to everyone else except him, he knew how to shut her up. He just had to say "Taylor" in a steady tone, and her hazel eyes always came back to his; and on rare occasions when that didn't work, he just had to kiss her and problem solved. Knowing he had that ability always gave him safety because it meant that he at least had a bit of grip on her quirks. He knew when sh__e was confused because her eyes always became a few shades brighter, he knew when she was slightly intimidated because her jaw always clenched hardly, but not enough to prevent her from smiling politely, he knew when she was hiding something by the way she bit her lips and did her best to show an "innocent" look; but when Taylor Townsend fell silent… he had to admit he had no idea what to do. _

_She started staring nervously at __the table, then up, then down again and he could've sworn it was driving him crazy; and the sound of some French music in the background wasn't helping at all. Suddenly he was well aware of the tight knot of his tie and he began feeling hot in spite of the air conditioning in the restaurant being perfectly comfortable. _

_He witnessed how she half opened her mouth as if to say something and then she closed it again, still not daring to meet his gaze. The same routine of her perfect red lips just being apart a few millimeters before she put them together again had gone on for at least ten minutes… and this was past being a cute astonished silence… _

_She literally didn't know what to say or worse, she knew exactly what to say and didn't know how to say it. _

"Taylor?"_ he said for the fourth time during those ten minutes and he felt her shiver at the sound of his voice. _"Taylor, would you please just… look at me?"

"No…"_ she said, her voice barely there, as if she was still trying to come to terms with her answer herself. _

_That totally confused him even more… And he felt his heart rate speed up, not in a good way. _

"You won't look at me or you…?"_ he asked, a nervous smile all over his face, dreading her answer all the same. _

"No, as in I can't…"_ she said, while she swallowed and then her gaze got fixated on one single object. He could see her perfect eyes glistening, not only for the vague light simulated by candles all over them in that Parisian restaurant, but for the shiny sparkle of the diamond ring placed in front of her. And even before she finished that sentence, he already knew what she was gonna say… and it hurt him. _"Marry you…"

_Without even intending it, his head backed up a little and suddenly he was the one rendered speechless. From all the scenarios he'd thought would happen the day he'd propose to Taylor, he'd never once __fathomed the idea of her saying no; let alone mumble _"I'm sorry Ryan" _a few times before she actually left him there, alone in a French restaurant on the other side of the world._

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Two years, three months, four days. That's how much time that had passed since he'd last seen her on that cold and weird night in Paris.

For a second or so he looked at his surroundings and he saw all of his class getting in line in alphabetical order to enter the ceremony and he absently did the same… his body there on his graduation but his mind somewhere lost in France or in the Atlantic Ocean… truthfully he couldn't tell.

For a split second he returned back to reality enough to see his family sitting in the white chairs that made contrast with the green grass and the blue sky, waiting for the ceremony to begin, and smiled. But as his eyes drifted somewhere else, he couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed, and at the same time, angry for feeling that way. This was his dream… everything had fallen into place and there was no drama going on, no fears of any kind… what more could he ask for? Why was he feeling like this?

Yesterday he was fine… yes, he'd had a mild episode when he'd remembered her, which was becoming rather frequent this past few months, but after that, he'd been fine. He hadn't been stupid enough to create any illusions on his brain, let alone his heart, that she would be there. He wasn't expecting her to bounce back into his life anytime soon…

After all it'd been two years and three months since he'd last heard her voice, four days after the proposal going awry, when she'd told him she wasn't going back even though she would be done with the Sorbonne that same year and that she was planning on staying in France… for good.

He wasn't sure of why she'd chosen that. He liked to think it had nothing to do with him proposing to her, but at the same time he knew it had all to do with that. He hated the fact that the last time he'd seen her it'd been under such… to put it lightly, awkward circumstances… and he wished there was something he could do about it. He never would've chosen that to be the last moment he'd remember her for, but sometimes, like today, it was inevitable. Especially since he'd stumbled upon that same ring, stashed somewhere inside his socks drawer in the Berkeley house that morning.

On other times he would just remember that last night in Newport where things were just simple… no complications, no drama, no major tragedies… where they both knew what they wanted: to be eternally in each other's arms and never let go. But in this particular moment, as he sat in front of the crowd in his black cap and gown and the ceremony started, he wasn't sure which memory hurt more. She'd said he'd always be in her heart and he'd confessed how much he was scared to lose her, and yet, she'd just said "no", without a second chance, without another word… just "no". And he was left with the ring that he could stare at for hours and hours on end in sweet torture.

It was funny… because when he'd bought that ring he couldn't wait to see how it would fit on her delicate finger, although he knew her well enough to know it was her exact size. And now, even though she'd plainly said she was never coming back and hadn't given him any other reason, he couldn't bring himself to get rid of it; because just like her memory, he was doomed to carry it around… so much, that it was there in his pocket…

Maybe as a way of having her there with him… because as, stupid, as it would sound, after all these years she was still there… and probably always would be.

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A few minutes had passed since she'd seen him walk on stage and, after that, she'd done her best to try and stay as far away from him as she possibly could. This was _his_ day, and she knew that him seeing her wouldn't make this day one worthy of remembering in his book. As soon as she'd seen him being handed his diploma, she'd zoomed on his face, waiting to see his reaction once his eyes met the crowd cheering for him. And just like she'd imagined during those past three months, his smile was priceless. Even from afar she could tell his eyes had a distinct sparkle, a difference to his soul as if he was relieved… satisfied; as though he needed nothing else in the world other than to feel in this moment complete and utter joy. She'd become completely transfixed in his features, the sun reflecting everything he didn't say as if it was bearing his soul to her and her alone, and the more she looked, the more she realized… he was happy; and for a second, she smiled too. She was so proud of him… of _her_ Ryan.

Her musings had come to a stop once she saw the standing ovation by all the Cohen Clan… and this time, instead of continue to smile because of his reaction… she felt this overwhelming feeling of not belonging. From where she was standing, way far in the distance, she felt as though someone was tugging at her insides and a lightheadedness that was suddenly too much. Strings of memories and thoughts mixed with emotions and just welled up inside her in a way that actually made her sick to her stomach and anxious all the same. What was she doing here anyway?

Yeah, she'd told herself it was because she couldn't miss his graduation. She couldn't just miss the opportunity of seeing him in his own element, finally comfortable in his own skin, believing himself the words she'd told him all along: _"You're a smart guy Ryan Atwood, someday, you'll change the world."_

But somewhere in the corner of her heart she'd actually expected him to expect her. It sounded selfish, she'd known that, but she'd actually wanted him to feel at least a little bit sorry because she wasn't there… but he wasn't; and once she'd realized this, it made her sad; she'd felt disgusted with herself for ever hoping he would be miserable on his graduation day.

So she'd gone far away from the ceremony and somehow, had ended up here, her back against a tree, sighing as if her life depended on it with hundreds of tears threatening to fall any second now.

She closed her eyes for the tiniest fraction of a second and two drops of the salty liquid began rolling down her cheeks and immediately, she cleaned them up. She had no right to be crying, she had no right to feel miserable or sad or whatever she was feeling. She had no right to be here at all.

She couldn't believe she had the nerve to go there and actually daydream about how it would be if he conveniently saw her… if she would tell him all the reasons why she'd ran off… if she would ever tell him that, on that night in France when he'd come to see her she was just scared.

After that last night in Newport, they'd never talked about the status of their relationship. She always thought that maybe once she was in France and he was settled in Berkeley, the conversation would solve itself and they would both know what this was. She knew she loved him and for the way his memory felt she assumed he loved her too. And of course, all the phone calls and the emails helped sometimes to reassure that feeling, but she was one of those girls who needed the words to be said; but being his nonverbal self, he never once set her straight if they were friend, friends with benefits, or boyfriend and girlfriend doing the long distance thing… and it drove her crazy.

And all of a sudden, the first time she sees him after two years, he comes to France with this… engagement ring… asking her to marry him.

She felt a lump on her throat when her brain got to the part that always made her feel like an idiot whenever she remembered that moment. The part when it all became a blur and her fear started looking for reasons to justify itself. Reasons like: _"you're barely finishing school here; you're much too young to be getting married again… remember how good that worked out the last time? What about the master plan you imagined whenever you would get married huh? A steady job? A house? What would your mother think?"_

Some of those reasons where valid, others were just product of her neurotic mind, either way, she always thought that in a moment like that, all she would know, all she would think of would be if the guy in front of her was her true love or not; and if he was, then everything else would just fall into place eventually.

But she got scared… terrified. That wasn't her!

She just ran off like she did whenever things were too "complicated", and once she realized leaving him there was one of the most stupidest things she'd ever done, her fear began justifying itself again telling her that it was best to never face him after what she'd just put him through… and again, she crawled into her shell and ran away by calling him to tell him she wanted more… that she needed more than just getting married without accomplishing her dreams, and that her dreams where in France… and that she would stay there.

And yeah… all of her dreams where there in France except for one.

Him.

She'd realized that, the second she'd hung up the phone and he'd let her go without a fight. Not that she was expecting him to convince her of doing otherwise because he wasn't like that. She was just left with this void she was the only one to blame for it and as much as she'd tried to live a normal life without him, "life after Ryan" would never be the same.

She never thought her own words would haunt her so bad. _"You will always be in here"_… because he was. The memory of his skin wrapping her own had a life of its own, and every single night, every single second, she was haunted with the undying memory of that time where she couldn't fathom the possibility of running away from his arms; where she'd promised him he'd never lose her and where she would do anything she could to prevent that from happening.

How terrible that made her huh?

She'd gone there to make him live again what could've been one of the most embarrassing moments of his life, on the day that was supposed to be one of his best.

She didn't have a right to be here at all. And even when he would never know she was there, he'll always be in there, in her soul, in her heart, just like that piece of paper from so long ago…

She had to leave now… she'd seen him, she was proud of him and that was that.

She gave one long sigh before she detached her back from the tree and began smoothing her clothes with her palms. She'd actually dressed elegantly for this occasion in case she saw him… and now she felt a little silly and idiotic for doing so. She had to be the worst person alive.

But still, as the breeze softly moved the locks of her hair and the sound of the leaves momentarily calmed her soul, she held on to that paper… another one of the recollection of memories from the past she wanted to live just for another—

"_Taylor…"_

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**Ok lovelies, it's that time again... reviews are love. **


	3. I'm Right Here And Still You Wonder

**Author's Note: **_Hello Again guys! I wanna start this by thanking you all really for taking the time to read the story. In a way this story is simpler than all my other stories, so I hope you're enjoying reading this as much as I do writing it, it means the world. Now, I'm off to give you guys time to read this! Love you all big much!. _

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"_**The Memory Will Never Die"**_

_**Chapter Three**_

**I'm Right Here, And**** Still You Wonder…**

_Ryan glanced at his watch once more as the anticipation made__ him twitch a little, hopefully not enough for everyone else to notice. He really wanted to pretend like he hadn't lost his cool for a second, but really… he was as anxious as a five year old would be on Christmas Morning._

_He quick-__glanced sideways and found comfort in the fact, that in between all of the guys, he seemed to be the only one keeping his anxiety under wraps. Everyone, Sandy, His Dad, and for the love of God, Seth; were looking at the gates of the airport as if fixating their eyes in the emptiness would make all of the girls materialize out of thin air. For the briefest of seconds, he half smiled… they were four guys, either so deeply in love with their girlfriends that they couldn't live without them for two weeks while they hung out in LA, or four guys quite pathetic considering the reason above. _

_He was willing to bet money on being a guy completely in love with his girlfriend though… and if that made him pathetic, then so be it._

"Here they come…"_ he heard his dad say and he raised his head and he saw her… all the girls coming towards them, but he only had eyes for one. _

_The second his eyes found hers, they both smiled. She was wearing a pair of high heels, a plaid skirt and a white top; her hair was pulled up in two tails that started swirling with her movement as she started hopping on her steps to get to where he was… and his grin almost turned into laughter. _

_That was who she was: this crazy whirlwind of… cheeriness and excitement, wrapped in this sexy girl who always wore an innocent mask on her face. After more than six months of dating this girl, he still wasn't sure of what had him hooked, always wanting more. He still wasn't sure of what it was that made him miss her so much more than he'd ever missed anyone in his life…_

_The grin on his face got wider and wider as she approached him, and when she was close enough, she grabbed him and kissed him so hard on the lips that he briefly lost his balance; but once he steadied himself on the ground again, he took advantage of her eagerness and lifted her from the ground and spun her around, his lips never disconnecting from hers, as if they were made to be that way for all of eternity. _

_Once he settled __her onto the ground again and looked at her pretty face, he smiled again… He loved this girl so much. _

"Hey crazy girl"_ he said playfully while he looked into her eyes and removed a stray bang from her forehead. _

"Hey pretty boy"_ she said as she pulled him into a brief hug just to find his face completely confused once she pulled away._

"Pretty boy?"_ he said furrowing his brow, his expression letting her know that he didn't like his new pet name. She'd been trying to come up with one since he'd started off with the "crazy girl" one… and so far, all of them had failed. _

"Ok, what is it? Is it the "boy" or the 'pretty'?"_ she asked wrinkling her nose a little as she put her hands in between their bodies, that were still connected by both his hands wrapped around her waist._

"The pretty"_ he decided, narrowing his eyes as he did, a sweet smile plastered on his face. _

"But you always call me crazy…"_ she said in a tone of slight protest, but her smile matched his. _

"Because you are crazy,"_ he said, looking above them as if he was mocking her. _

"And you are so pretty" _she cooed, taking his cheeks in between her hands and talking to him as if he were a baby. _

"Ok… Taylor, stop it."_ He caught her hands in his and narrowed his eyes again but still smiled at her. It was inevitable. _"Can't you give me something less… girly?"

"Ah… I see"_ she said, eyeing him mischievously as she leaned in to his ear and whispered_ "What about… my bad boy? My sexy, hot, and very, very bad boy"_ she finished as she kissed his earlobe and all around his jaw line there in that airport as if they were completely alone in her room back in the Robert's house like they had been every night since the earthquake._

_He felt a familiar jolt of electricity run down his spine, and unwillingly, he found himself closing his eyes at the feel of her breath inches away from his neck, __as his hands gripped on her waist again tighter__, as if he was trying to fuse their bodies together right then and there. The kind of power this girl had over him any regular day was unbelievable to him, and now that he hadn't seen her for two weeks, his senses had enhanced so much that the sound of her whispering voice and the sensation of her lips on his skin was simply amazing… there wasn't any other word for it. _

_She pulled away a little and searched his gaze, and when he finally dared to open his eyes again he found her looking at him with a stare he knew all too well… the kind of look she'd give him whenever she knew she'd done something to get a hold of his desires._

"How's that?"_ she smiled, her lips millimeters away from his as she wrapped her arms around his neck._

"I think I can live with that…"_ he was surprised at the way his voice sounded hoarse. This was the kind of power she had over him… _

"Great!"_ she pulled back and did a mild clap, a perfect smile upon her face. He could only reply almost laughing at the way she switched moods so suddenly. _"We have ourselves a pet name for you!"

"Yay?"_ he replied, still smiling as she pulled back completely and he grabbed her bags._

"Yay!"_ she hopped and once again her two tails began swishing back and forth over her shoulders and he could've sworn his heart burst inside him just from the sight of her hair. He'd missed her hair so much, her body, her smile, her words, her craziness… _

"God, I missed you…"_ he said, barely able to handle his own emotion which was very unusual for him. She stopped in her tracks and looked at him, not playfully, not teasingly… just really looked at him… and right at that second he wished he'd never ever have to miss her again. _

--------------------------

After the ceremony ended, Ryan was supposed to meet the Cohen's in the post-graduation celebrations. They were supposed to go to this restaurant or go to the house… he didn't know. Quite frankly it was the same to him. No matter the place, he was sure he was going to have to smile and laugh all day long… and even though he was happy, the happiest he'd been in a really long time, he was going to have to pretend for everyone that nothing was missing…

But something was.

He wanted a little bit of air, a little bit of clarity just before going there and having to pretend in front of a whole bunch of people; trying to appear calm in his state of confusion, when the truth was that none of his great days mattered without her.

He'd lost her, he still couldn't understand why, and he missed her…

Of course, those weren't words he would tell anybody, and if he ever dared to tell someone how much it was killing him to not be able to prevent the hole inside himself from growing deeper and deeper, it had to be her; the one who listened to those words, because there was no other way around it.

She was the one who always listened to his "I love you's" and all his "I miss you's"… and she would always look back at him, as if staring right through him, and the world could keep on spinning.

But she wasn't gonna appear out of nowhere… so he wandered around campus, trying to find some peace… a break from this void that seemed to be eating him alive…

When he saw her.

At first he adjusted his eyes, trying to figure out if this wasn't some mean product of his imagination and his longing for her presence, but even though her frame and her appearance were a little different than what he remembered, the way she moved and the way she sighed as she removed herself from a tree about ten feet away from him was enough for his eyes to focus on her and her alone, and as he was reminded that his entire presence belonged to her once, his heart started pounding incessantly inside his ribcage.

She was wearing a pink sundress that adjusted to her body beautifully. In the vague shadow provided by the tree, with the few rays of sun that leaked through the branches and the leaves, he could see her ivory skin glistening, perfectly tanned and smooth, like a museum marvel everyone wants to touch but it's out of reach high above a pedestal. The profile of her face was completely stunning, even if he could see the time away from him had matured her features; it'd still kept her nostalgically beautiful and breathtakingly gorgeous in complete oblivion to his presence.

Even if her body was the same, she looked so different. So matured and so serious, her lost look while she stared to her palms where she'd been holding a paper, as if whatever was written in the ink would bring her a necessary heartache, much like the one he'd been feeling all day long. He instantly had a flashback to that day in the airport… the happy crazy girl hopping like a kid and he felt himself squirm at the contrast of the memory and reality. He remembered the innocent and yet knowing smile she'd flashed him amidst the glow of the raspberry lipstick he'd even anticipated tasting when her lips were inches away from his, the way her words and her claps had cut through the noise and loudness of the airport with a magic spell that made him feel like nobody was there and it was only her laughter that echoed in his ears; the feel of the small gales of air hitting his skin and the delicious friction while spinning her around proudly, knowing that the waiting and the aching of his body for hers was long gone and happy of showing to the world around them that this girl was his just like he was hers.

A rush of memories, a sound of words and whispers from the past started enveloping him, gluing him to the floor as he watched her turn around to leave. He felt something inside him snap at the sight of her back while she wrapped her arms to hug herself and made about two or three steps forward.

Another memory was triggered inside his skull as the vivid image of that night where he'd let her slip away into the darkness of France sprung in front of his eyes and he was able to take a step forward and the knot on his tongue came lose and he mumbled something…

As a dull noise of disbelief, a statement waiting to be confirmed just to be sure this wasn't his mind playing tricks because he had that ring inside his pocket gripped as if his life depended on it… came the sound of the most beautiful word he'd ever found himself saying.

"_Taylor…"_

Her name.

He watched her stop and turn around in one fluid motion while her eyes were big and her whole body tensed up from the nerves. And in spite of his best efforts, a crooked smile formed in the corner or his lips, his eyes turned sensitive and mellow as she sucked in for breath.

"_Ryan… hi!"_ her voice came out pitchy and shaky as she closed her fists and wrapped her arms around her chest.

"_What are you doing here?"_ he was surprised of the way his voice sounded husky; and his expression became stern, not demanding or pleading either, just wanting to know the truth.

"_Oh…"_ she said nervously and she started looking around, noticing perhaps for the first time that they were alone in the area except for the tree she'd been leaning on a couple of minutes earlier. _"Well, hmm… I was just… watching this tree, you know?"_ she started gesturing with her hands to the tree. _"It's an oak I guess, and it's very leafy and it has strong branches and it seemed like the best place to… hang out"_ she finished, once she seemed to be out of words and stared at him nervously.

She couldn't even say she was there to see him; and the worst of all, it suddenly hit him that she was about to leave without ever letting him now she was there in the first place.

He wasn't sure of why, all his pent up frustration started building up inside him. All the ways he'd missed her, all the ways he was still trying to figure out why she'd rejected his proposal two years ago, all the memories combined by the sight of her there at his graduation… it all became a lot to handle… and since he was Ryan Atwood after all, the first emotion that came to his senses was being angry and going defensive.

But in reality he just didn't want to get hurt again.

"_Don't they have oaks in Paris?"_ he asked bluntly and dryly and he watched how her eyes started flickering with an emotion that seemed like fear.

"_Actually…"_ she said tilting her head to the side and flashing him a smile, a nervous and scared smile, but one nonetheless. _"This, I think, is a California Black Oak… so, no… I don't think they have these there__"_

"_So you came all the way from France to the Berkeley Campus to admire a California Black Oak? Nice"_ he said not moving an inch, his eyes piercing into hers and his voice ringing in the space between them as if begging her to come clean once and for all. At this point, he needed to hear her… he needed to hear _it_.

She took the hint and she stopped smiling for a second while her face blushed that special shade of red he loved so much. She still had her right fist closed, he assumed holding on to the paper he'd seen earlier, while she started playing with the nails of her left hand and said, her voice a lousy whisper and yet louder than a scream.

"_No__… I'm here to see you"_

His demeanor softened slightly at the sound of _those_ words. It was comforting to know that she'd missed him just like he missed her. The sight of this broken and nervous image she was portraying touched the cords around his heart and he took a half step closer to where she was, the desire to touch her and never lose her again becoming stronger than he'd anticipated.

"_I didn't expect to see you here…"_ he said, not daring to meet her eyes for the first time in this entire encounter, because he knew himself that was one of the biggest lies he'd ever told. _"I mean, the last time I saw you…"_

"_I left you on the side of a European restaurant… with an engagement ring mocking you on the table while I ran away like a gazelle about to be devoured by a lion?"_ She asked, again the pitch of her voice was higher than usual, and he felt his stomach roll over inside of him as he remembered that night once again.

"_I was __going to say two years ago, but you painted the picture quite well…"_ he said as he retreated back again… not sure if he could handle this conversation any longer. His anger and desire were fighting back and forth, wrestling incessantly to win his attention while his eyes couldn't stop roaming her, confusing him more than he already was.

"_Ryan I'm sorry…"_ she said taking an awkward step forward, as he took another step back.

He searched her face again, that had this hurt and embarrassed expression now, as if the new distance between them had cut her in half, that joined with the fall of her shoulders and the grip of her right hand being even tighter, exclaimed nothing but defeat and surrender.

"_Ok…"_ she nodded mostly to herself as she tore her gaze away from his. _"You're right…"_ her tone resolute but still framed by a touch of sadness. _"I have no right to be here, especially today… I shouldn't have come here."_ And she turned away to leave again…

Just like that night.

He balled up his fists because she wasn't like this. She wasn't the girl who gave up and he was mad at her for giving up _on him_. He wanted her to turn around and face him. He wanted to kiss her and hold on to her but he couldn't bring himself to do so because he could see in her eyes that she had already given up before it had all started. He wanted her to give him reasons for why she'd stayed in France, to why she'd rejected his proposal, to why she was always running away from him. He felt like this had turned into a role reversal, because he was the one who used to be insecure when it came to them, and she'd been the one to show him that love could conquer all, that it was possible to give your heart to someone and experience the happiness that goes along with that; now how come she was the one always running away?

He was frustrated from loving her and missing her so much… and he _needed_ her to stop and face him. He needed her to face the void she'd created when he'd given her his heart and she'd forgotten to give it back.

"_I'm still here you know?"_ he raised his voice and he was glad it was enough to make her stop… but his anger reached a higher level when he noticed it wasn't enough to make her face him again.

"_And I'm __there… so why do you wonder?"_ she asked without facing him, both her fists still closed at the side of her body, her head looking straight in front of her.

He felt a flame ignite in his stomach when he heard that question coming from her mouth. It was a thousand questions that stood for all the clichés that had been bugging him for the past two years, all wrapped up in four little words. "_Why do you wonder_ if I love you?", "_Why do you wonder _if I miss you like you miss me?", _"Why do you wonder_ if I'm running scared away from you?",_ "Why do you wonder_ if I'm still yours, _When I'm still there, somewhere in your heart?"_

He felt the knot in his throat become bigger and tighter at the way she seemed to know him, at the way she could just read his mind even if they hadn't spoken for two years, but he was still mad, and he was still frustrated…missing her… and he really needed to make her turn around.

"_You know Taylor? In my life, I've only been__ really, really, really scared of one thing."_ His voice sounded as frustrated as he was and maybe a little more, and he saw her shake slightly but she still wouldn't look at him again. _"And considering where I come from, what I've been through, my crazy biological family, I'd say, that's one hell of a record"_

He took a step closer to where she was, but she still didn't move… not an inch, and his mixed up emotions grew even bigger.

"_I've only been scared of losing _you_"_ he said, his voice loud and angry while she closed her eyes and inhaled a breath, trying to hold back tears of guilt because she knew what he was going to say next. _"And you told _me_ that will never happen…"_ he was so close to her now, that he was hovering over her shoulder, the distance between them being a few scarce inches, but still not touching each other and she was still not facing him.

So he leaned down to her ear, and with an angry whisper filled with hurt and pain he said: _"It turned out to be a lie in the end. That's why I wonder…" _

She felt a cold chill run through her spine at the sound of his voice so near her, and she had to bow her head because she knew he had a reason to be angry. She couldn't blame him for feeling like he'd lost her when she hadn't even been brave enough to tell him she was scared when he'd proposed, when she'd told him that she needed more… as if being with him had never been enough, when in reality it was all she needed. But still, the thought of him saying that sacred moment in the beach had been a lie, hit her hard and it left her out of breath instantly. For a second she thought this was how she would die, left breathless by the sound of his truth, colliding with the one she never said.

The feeling of her life slipping away from her grasp as it was impossible to breathe reached another stage once she felt his body pull away. She heard the brunt of his feet as they hit the warm earth beneath them, each step leaving a print in her heart as the memory of that night came vividly to her brain.

How could he think that she'd lied to him when she'd said he'll always be in her heart? Because he was still there, that's why this all hurt and was shattering her insides and filling them with frustration at the unfathomable truth that his anger couldn't let him see that she was just as breakable as anybody else.

He was a few feet away, back facing her when she dared to turn around; the locks of her hair moving so fluidly and furiously that all her hair was right above her left shoulder now, her right fist still gripping that paper that seemed to burn her skin now with his words still echoing in her eardrums.

He wanted her to turn around? Fine! Then he had to turn around too.

"_You really think I lied to you that night_ Ryan Atwood?!" he heard her steps towards him. Her voice sounded raw and heavy, as she said the first words and it only seemed to stop once his name rolled from her tongue.

"_You tell me!"_ he was done playing now, he turned around as quickly as he could, and was able to hide his surprise when he saw her so close to him, her gaze still saying the same frustrated phrase he'd heard her say, burning with the same pain he seemed to be feeling.

"_If I need to tell you, then you don't know me"_ she shook her head as she talked the way she always did when she was mad when they first started dating, not seeming to be afraid by his closeness at all like before.

"_E__nlighten me…"_ he said, not screaming, but menacing as his heart pounded trying to get a way out of his chest. His gaze burning on hers like it never had before, mixing anger with desire and deception with unbreakable love.

"_Look at me; I'm Ryan Atwood, the only o__ne who's allowed to be afraid when a relationship takes the next step!"_ She snarled at him, mocking him and furrowing her brow as she did so, trying to level her height with him. She felt him exhale sharply while her eyes remained on his as their faces were just millimeters apart, neither of them willing to back down and get this over with.

"_That was a long time ago…"_ he said moving his head a little as he spoke, for the first time, his eyes stealing a glance over her lips as the scent of raspberries filled his lungs.

"_You gave me a dictionary, I rejected your proposal."_ She said whispering against his lips like she hadn't heard him.

All of the sudden everything became quiet and the universe was only populated by two people. He'd been so wrapped up in how he could've been feeling and in the desire mixed with frustration of wanting her back, that he hadn't even contemplated the possibility of her being scared that night. He'd just… questioned her love and the promise she'd made... without ever realizing that she hadn't broken it.

She'd said he'd never lose her because he was always going to be in her heart, and he knew that only someone imbedded in her soul could cause a reaction like the one she was having now: so intense and so filled with raw emotion, doing her best to try and hide that she was scared… hurting because of the words he'd said moments earlier in his fear of getting hurt again.

"_But that doesn't matter now, does it?"_ she said, her voice back to being a whisper, but moving completely away from him; his body feeling the void of her distance. _"Because I lied to you" _she said sarcastically _"… because you don't know me"_

Those last words were barely audible, and he probably wouldn't have heard them if someone other than her would've pronounced them. His stare became guilty as he watched her pull completely away from him and look at the ground, as if it was hard to keep her chin up after this encounter.

He still missed her… he'd always wished he'd never had to miss her again, but he'd never ever wondered in those times when he'd missed her before how much she loved him. Why couldn't he have just held on to her like his heart had told him to the second he saw her? Why did he have to act mad at her when his wish of seeing her on his graduation day had been granted?

"_I shouldn't have come here…"_ she said numbly and she turned around once again and began walking, no intention or hope for him of making her stop.

"_Taylor, Wait…"_ he said in vain. _"Where are you going?"_

"_Home!"_ she yelled back, her head still looking at the ground she was standing on while she began moving farther away from him, getting lost in the sun… his feet glued to the floor, this time not allowing him to stop her, because this time, she hadn't left because she was afraid, she'd left because he'd driven her away from him.

It was then when he realized that on her way far from him… she'd dropped the piece of paper she'd been clutching the entire time. He went over to the wrinkled paper and raised it to his hand…

Once he unfolded it, he immediately recognized his handwriting in the first line of the paper… while her perfect handwriting filled the next one:

"_A perfect moment in your life would be:_

_Spending__ the night on the beach with you, wrapped in your arms"_


End file.
